*This post isn't an upbeat post on how much mother's ROCK (although, they do), but just a little bit of insight on how I am feeling today, about my mom.*
Although the same cannot be said
for myself (or anyone else who was involved), Sunday, August 1st did
not catch God by surprise or make the angels gasp for air at the events that took
place that dark afternoon (regardless of the two rainbows I recall so clearly
in the sky). God, completely sovereign, knows our end before we even begin. It
even states so in Psalm 139:16 "Your
eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." See, just as God knew the number
of hairs on my mother’s head, and the number of stars she would look at, He
also knew the number of days of her life. He knew before she ever took her
first breath – the exact moment when she would take her last.
God knew.
He wasn't absent. He wasn't on
vacation. He didn't need to be questioned, “GOD! WHERE ARE YOU?!” He was there.
God was there before it happened, while it happened, and after it happened. God’s
there because He is good.
God saw the bottomless pit of deep
grief that our family was thrown into. God extended himself to comfort us, and
in some cases He rescued us.
He embraced us with our remaining family, brothers and sisters in Christ, our
church families, our friends, and even Himself. These people helped provide
food, prayers, tears, emotions we thought we would never experience again –
such as love and laughter, and we felt alive (though as sometimes some of us
went back and forth between being thankful for this and feeling guilty about
this).
This same God is the God who says “Joy
cometh in the morning” and “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be
comforted.” He’s the God who says this to all of his children – past, present,
and future.
But there are days, weeks, and
months even, that I am so selfish. Refusing joy and rejecting comfort because I just want my mom back. I know God doesn't want me to be sad or crying – but I get so stubborn and stomp my feet
and throw a little tantrum (or six) and reply back, “but I don’t want to be
without my mom either!” It’s such a hard thing to do. Lose your mom in exchange for happiness, joy, comfort, and freedom (all while forgetting she is getting the same things as well).
What a strange arrangement.
Exchanging the life of my mother for happiness? It sounds absurd. It sounds
like I have trust issues. It sounds like I really, really, really miss my mom.
Especially on days like Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday, and mother’s
day. On days like mother’s day – I want
to celebrate her with her! It
feels so awkward and unacceptable to celebrate my mother without her
being a physical part of the celebration! I'll even admit that it's very
difficult at times to visit her in the cemetery because I can't hug
her bye when I leave.
It wouldn't have mattered when I got that Facebook message, how
many times I called my mom, or how fast
my husband drove the car. I get that I had ZERO control over my mom’s death. And I certainly didn't WILLINGLY sacrifice her in
order to gain happiness. And I can and do find joy in the days that the Lord
has made. I do. But I am not going to lie for a second about it: IT IS HARD.
Thinking back to my teenage years,
I imagine: How would I react if someone showed me when I was 17 how I was feeling now? I would probably look at myself and think "how pitiful..." I know how that must sound. But I would think that mostly because, not only did I not have another similar experience to compare it too but, my momma raised me to be a strong and independent woman.
After my "How
pitiful," comment though, I would sit down and recognize that I felt this way because my
mother didn't raise me or prepare me to know what it would be like without HER. She raised me to know what it was like to
have her here to help me through all of my stupid & ridiculous stuff that
only I would tell her about, all while everytime she would sit down and really be
there for me. Then, I would proceed to ball my eyes about it because then
I would realize that there was someone I could relate to. My future self, which is now my present self.
Although I wasn't
shown a video of how I am feeling now when I was a teen doesn't mean I don't
know what my Momma would say after I would've consulted her about watching it.
“Always keep the Lord first. Live for him. Live, Laugh, Love. Always show kindness, love, and respect. Teach your kids to do the same. Life is tough, but God will be there for you. Things are easier when God is involved. ALWAYS.”
She would say that and many other things that are too hard for me to type right now. But the
one thing she wouldn't be able to give me from-experience-advice on is
"how to live without Momma" because that's something she never had to
experience. Plus, she knew that it would probably be very difficult for me to
hear, since I never handled it well when my momma
would get sick/not feel well or have to have surgery. So, we probably
wouldn't have talked about it long.
As a 29 year old woman, I've still not adjusted to "living without my mother." There are so many feelings and questions that go beyond this post because, simply put: It's tough business, y'all. REAL TOUGH. However, here are some things God provides as comfort & reminders for me in difficult times like these:
* My Mom really knew Jesus. She didn't just love Jesus. She was in-love with Jesus. She always encouraged everyone she saw to "go to church," or "give it to the Lord." She was always talking about Jesus. You could tell she was heartbroken if she thought that one of her children (or loved ones) weren't right with Jesus.
* My mom is one of the "worldly possessions" that I will get to have with me in Heaven.
* Even though I don't have my mother on days like today, I still have my Heavenly Father. And pictures of my mother to surround myself with. I have my kids. Who will cry with me and who can make me smile at the drop of a hat.
* I am becoming more and more like her. I love the fact that I am becoming more like her in all of those areas/doing those things I disliked/loathed about her when I was a teenager.
Right now, I feel like listing out twenty things about my momma that I miss, but if I sit back and close my eyes - these are things that I can experience as if they are happening right now. Memories can feel so real and current at times, can't they? Here they are, in no certain order:
1. her laugh. 2. holding her hand. 3. hearing her voice. 4. singing a wide variety of artists with her. anyplace and anytime. 5. her love. 6. her smile. 7. her conversations. 8. how she pronounced "Richard Gere." 9. her wisdom. 10. her desire to save everyone (she was an EMT, firefighter, & on the rescue squad). 11. her get up and go attitude. (I find it hard to believe that my momma ever got more than 2 hours of sleep in one night) 12. taking naps with my momma, even as a grown woman. {because a.) she wasn't getting the required amount of sleep at night. and more importantly - b.) it was so comfortable to lay with her}. 13. her strength. 14. her presence. 15. holidays at her house. 16. her fixing my hair. 17. her gentleness. 18. her sense of humor & getting slang words mixed up. 19. her hugs. 20. how, regardless of where we were at, she always felt like HOME.
And as these festivities carry themselves out - I must remember and be content with not knowing what the future holds and the possibility of being caught by surprise. I must remember that when these times hit - that there is a sovereign God who already knows and who has already been there. This is the same sovereign God who will provide all of my needs and comforts, because he isn't absent or on vacation, because he is GOOD. He is ready to help walk me through all of my troubles, trials, tribulations, and tantrums (lol) just as He is there for me during the good times as well. He will rescue me from myself, just as he rescued my mom from this world. He will rescue me from my moments I refuse joy and reject comfort and exchange those feelings for that strange arrangement that's been made which provides happiness, joy, comfort, and freedom.
And today I will lean on God as I seek so desperately to accept these things as a child would. From a loving God who tells me that my mom could have never prepared me for this because no one can completely experience the fullness and greatness of God.
I will rejoice in this day and be glad about it. But I am not going to lie for a second about it: IT will be HARD.
Happy mother's day to all of you wonderful mother's out there. Enjoy your children and enjoy YOUR mothers.
And for that selfish part in me (because I know my momma can't see it), here's a letter to my mother. I wrote it to her after she passed:
And for that selfish part in me (because I know my momma can't see it), here's a letter to my mother. I wrote it to her after she passed:
As much as the separation hurts, it's only temporary. This lesson has come with a heavy, heavy price, and makes my entire body ache at times. This is just one of the many things that I will learn in this life that comes with a heavy price. These lessons are good, provided by a sovereign God. I just wish I didn't have to learn one of them by losing you. I miss you something awful and I'm really looking forward to the day I get to sing and dance and act all silly and stuff with you again, Momma. And really - it can't come soon enough.
Love,
Your (oldest) Baby Girl, BLT
And incase you missed it in the
link above here's a song (out of MANY) I listen to when I miss my momma:
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